thanks to you

I should’ve,

I could’ve.

every moment,

before, during, & after,

a million thoughts would cross my mind.

a million words swirling around my mouth,

hands trembling,

aching to take action, maybe embrace you, push you teasingly.

anything.

but just like that, between hesitation & finally, determination, the moment was gone.

for a while, I regretted so badly the things I didn’t do.

the things I didn’t tell you.

the fact that you meant a lot to me, & probably had no idea because I was too afraid of showing myself.

have my heart beat its way out of my chest & into your hands.

so much regret, longing for what could’ve been, has made me open myself in ways I didn’t think were possible.

no longer do ‘I love you’s’ go unuttered,

awkward silences are merely silences, waiting to be filled by wonderfully meaningless small talk.

it isn’t stifling.

as long as I have arms, they’ll be embracing the ones I love

all thanks to you,

for teaching me how much it hurts to not tell someone how much they mean to you.

irony is:

I never did tell you what you meant to me,

your weird, awkward self & all.

hadn’t told you until just now.

love sucks (sometimes)

we do that a lot don’t we,

chase after clouds that seem to be at arm’s length.

perhaps they’ll even briefly touch our fingertips,

but the minute we seem to think we’ve got a firm grasp on them, they vanish.

never ours to begin with.

so what hurts?

almost having them, or realizing you never really had them to begin with?

you’d think after several experiences that your heart would pick up on the cues,

your mind would notice the signs, the ones that alert you: “oh, this will break your heart, better keep moving.”

but you never quite distinguish when the love begins & when it ends because they always come in different forms.

different paces, different intensities.

some build up with years,

some you blink & next thing you know, you’re already on your way down the rabbit hole that is falling for someone.

are washed away by tidal waves of unrequited love.

yet there we are again, aren’t we?

back at the shoreline, waiting for those waves of heartbreak & joy & heartbreak again to touch our toes,

reel us back in.

we need love, but yet,

love sucks sometimes.

platonically.

romantically,

who cares.

I mean, we all care.

but, you know what I mean.

inspired by a tyler gregson quote

I can’t promise you I’ll always be happy.

Every once in a while, my heart’s lights will flicker on & off as the thunder strikes.

Maybe yours will come in late at night when the lights are still out, fumble around for a candle.

Cover its ears & distract it from the ripples of lightning as it slashes across the sky.

How I hope.

I can’t promise you I’ll always be okay.

But I promise I’ll still love you the same, even when my heart’s drained & my brain is on standby.

Loving you has become as natural as breathing. & I don’t plan on holding my breath anytime soon.

the people we meet

our worlds really do become brighter when we meet those special individuals.

those that bring colors & songs.

what I mean with that is,

I never really noticed the color orange before.

It’s not like blue or green, those colors that cover the Earth so abundantly.

Now I see the sunset’s warm hues, the orange flowers in my neighbor’s bush.

The accessories that cover her arms and neck.

I see orange everywhere now, all because I met someone who loves that color.

Now there’s this Beatles song;

‘Oh! Darling.’

It isn’t just another song off the Abbey Road album.

It’s her singing at the top of her lungs, widest smile on her face, dancing from across the room.

Looking at me, waiting for me to scream the next part embarrassingly loud.

We tend to notice so much more in our every day lives as we go on meeting new people.

Perhaps said person isn’t around anymore, & yet,

their interests float all around us, reminding us of them.

There will come a time where everything will remind us of someone,

& we’ll fondly ponder on that person for a couple of seconds.

Isn’t that beautiful?

my YouTube channel

when I’m not writing & reflecting on every single little thing in my entire life, I sing & record nature vids. 🙂

Here’s my latest cover for anyone interested.

Thanks for always hearing what I have to say!

www.youtube.com/watch

however whenever

i wish I could sleep whenever.

not at night, the way the world wants me to,

the way this society is created to function.

i drag my feet all morning,

sip countless cups of coffee all afternoon.

& now here I am, 4AM, writing this poem for a stranger to read.

do you get me?

i wish I could drive whenever, wherever.

if I feel like sitting on an empty beach & staring at the waves till morning comes,

let me do it.

i wish I could tell you how much I miss you.

grab your face & scream in it how often I think of you.

I wish I wish I wish.

all these things we imagine, doesn’t it hurt to see them never come true?

do you wish to bend the rules a little, too?

rules; we’ve got them around us, in us.

I don’t bend them as much as I’d like to.

guess I’m afraid they’ll break,

& in my direction, too.

but doing what every shy, awkward, scared fiber of my being wants me to do might not be so bad.

maybe.

will I ever know?

it’s you

it’s your laughter I hear,

your ridiculously adorable smile I see.

in every sunset, in every too cheesy to tolerate poem, it’s your name,

with glittering letters in your favorite color, that appear in my head.

I see you in every beautiful little wonder.

but you, you see just another orange paint-brushed sky.

or perhaps, another face, another name that holds power over you,

power to make you smile even if said person is miles & miles away.

I think of you bittersweetly.

a sweet face that brings terrible ache, that prolonged longing that doesn’t seem to make its way out of my chest.

but nonetheless, I think of you.

& I’ll always wonder if you ever do of me.

for you (#3)

every moment with you is a guessing game.

what are you thinking, what are you feeling, what did you mean with that look;

every moment: unpredictable.

sometimes, bittersweetly indecipherable.

i love that.

& then there’s the way you look at people when you smile;

probably the most loving gaze they’ve ever received,

the most loving gaze i’ve ever received.

& i love how rare it is to catch you smiling.

makes it mean so much more, that lovely smile of yours.

the sky practically opens up & lets down a thousand doves when you smile.

but what i love most is that you’re all about subtleties.

about catching on to things that no one else bothers noticing,

can’t notice even if they tried.

you are: brilliant.

brilliant & beautiful & so beyond my ability to explain just how magnificently different you are from anyone i’ve ever met.

i hope everyone meets at least one person like you in their lifetime

because believe me, one person is enough to shatter your world in a way that lets the most gorgeous sorts of incandescent lights in.

& since you, my world’s been blinded by a million suns.

for you (#2)

it flows.

it flows and it bursts and no bandaid in the world could ever close a puncture so large,

the gap through which my love for you pours.

no infinite amount of sunshine could ever dry it up.

drought of affection: nonexistent.

every day you surprise me more, your ability to awaken the dormant parts of my soul.

have you any idea, just how lovely your eyes are?

how hazel they are when the light hits them, how expressive they can be.

I could cover your entire face with my hands, leave only your eyes uncovered, and I can tell exactly what it is you’re feeling.

it’s amazing.

and your laugh;

how sweet it is to hear your laugh.

cheesy as hell, I know.

but it’s hard not to be, hard not to be a fool;

an idiot and a cheesy pretentious poetry-loving fool.

who are you

so what of the birds;

do you notice when they stand in the middle of the road,

seemingly oblivious to the danger that could come their way?

or do you marvel at the clouds;

how they sometimes resemble brush strokes,

how beautifully simple they are,

how they easily adorn the sky.

do you enjoy life?

I mean really enjoy it, even the stupidest, most obscure corners of it.

or do you drag your feet across a beach’s sand?

fail to feel and cherish the warmth and softness of it.

life is so easy to take for granted;

I hope you’re one of the few that knows that.